hypocrite

(disclaimer: It's my blog I can complain and rant if I want. I realize my issues and problems aren't near the ones of most people but this is where I'm at right now. God will be good and glorified in my issues and He will be in yours as well.)

When I tell people about me being in seminary and pursuing the Mdiv and pastoral ministry I always talk about how it's all in God's timing and it's not about me and it'll get done when it gets done. And then at the same time for the last two days I have been stressing and struggling and generally upset and depressed that I can't afford full time this semester. For the first time ever I sat down and did a budget and got stuff together and felt like I was in good shape, then I found out that the tuition payments are way higher than expected and everything went down hill. I'm frustrated and angry and my natural instinct is to curl up in a ball and sleep and just avoid everything. On top of it all I have a greek test today.

I wanna trust I wanna learn I wanna know that God is providing and keeping track of me and gonna take care of me. I wanna be connected to Him. And yet I have stressed and worried about money, something I have never stressed over. So what if I have to go part time this semester? So what if it takes me longer. For the first time in a long time I need to actually believe that it really is HIS timing and HIS plan. I have begun to stress and worry and fight expecting to find an envelope of money on the ground or for someone out of the blue to call me an offer me money as if I deserve it. I haven't prayed about money I haven't prayed for God's provision, and so now that I realize that I need it and don't have it I begin to get frustrated and act as if I deserve it. God is good, and right, and just, and pure, and I am selfish and selfcentered, and not anywhere near as connected as I should be.

My prayer is simple, through having to be part time and letting my "plan" get thrown off course, that I may remember to trust and lean on and be connected to Him whose plan this is and whose service I hope to be employed.